I’m An Orangutan


This picture pretty much sums it up.  My belly has taken over my body.  My boobs now rest on my stomach when I don’t have a bra on.  And when I do have a bra on it rubs the top of my stomach so I have a nice, sore rash there.  My belly button looks like a 3rd nipple.  I have to sit on the floor to shave my legs and even then I’m kinda doing it blindly hoping I don’t miss a section.  And that’s just my legs- forget about the other hair sprouting parts!  Mike insisted I do some grooming before I go into labor.  I guess he thinks if I have a vaginal birth our son with surely be traumatized for life and never want to go near another vagina.  I can’t see myself down there so I finally looked in a mirror- holy fuck Batman- what is that creature?  I attempted to use a beard trimmer but like I said I can’t see so I was going at it blind- and I’m sure I dulled the blades.  Won’t Mike be surprised in Feb when he grows his “I won’t shave all football season” Yukon Cornelius looking beard.  I used to be that girl who went every 4 weeks for a Brazilian.  Well now it looks more like my vagina went thru a few rounds of chemo.  Oh yeah, one thing the books don’t tell you- everything swells when you’re pregnant- including your vag.  I can’t get a good look but it feels the size of a grapefruit.  Yes, a furry grapefruit that is missing large patches of hair.  But seriously- I would not trade this for anything in the world- so excited for this little man!  Excuse me while I run to Home Depot to price out weed whackers.


4 thoughts on “I’m An Orangutan

  1. You make me giggle! I’ve never been one to do much as far as grooming down below (I’m prone to breakouts and rashes, so every attempt just turns into a painful disaster), so I can’t say I completely understand where you’re coming from. However, I would like to point out that this is the perfect excuse to take a break and let nature take its course for a while.

  2. Grooming anything down there was a non-starter for me when I was pregnant. But the first shave postpartum… oh. my. god. It was like slashing through the jungle with a machete to find Livingston.

  3. Oh my god you have made my day and given me so much to look forward to!! I was hoping I could just go tribal and then have everything waxed at once. I’m not sure I want to take on finding Livingston 🙂 Thank you!!! I needed a good laugh today.

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